you'd break your neck to keep your chin up.

k, so i'm still on my "omg i've got to be positive all of the time!" mission. i'm doing ok. i've lost five lbs, i bought shoes that aren't terribly ugly (slouchy black boots, holler). i'm going to a job fair on thursday night, and am ready to charm the pants off of potential employers. yep, things are looking up. sunny side up.

all the same, i'm pretty sure that i should talk to "someone." someone with a phd, and a comfy couch. seems as though the entire world finds my natural, over emotional state to be annoying. it saddens me to know that folks are not really capable of loving me unconditionally, but whatevs. also, i'm still PMSing pretty darn hard. those closest too me think that i'm a drama queen. last night(while talking about my previous blog entry) i asked my boyfriend if i sound like a psycho jealous girlfriend. he told me that i would if i kept going on about what had me so upset. awesome. i then told him that i felt sabotaged and trapped. he understood. HE UNDERSTOOD! :) that was nice, i love it when people understand.

so yeah, perhaps i need professional help? perhaps i don't? all i know is that it certainly helps to come clean. communication is key, as is understanding. i'm an emo bitch and sometimes i cry. i truly hope that those who love me understand that. i'm trying to be stronger, though. things can only get better. you'll see :)

god, my blog entries have been a ton of fun lately, eh? ha ha wow.

p.s. listen to the new copeland album. omg.

LOL Que part ii a.k.a. a better amaris part iii.

the other day i said that i am going to boycott sensitivity. i'm overly sensitive, always have been. cry cry whine. i'll probably always be sensitive, but i am going to try my hardest to be a stronger, positivity infused amaris. i hear that it's GREAT on the other side ;)

in other news, i think that i might actually hate social networking sites? well, not HATE...but they are double trouble, man. like, today i went to leave my significant other a lame comment on the facebook. while doing so (and with no lurkery at all) i noticed that he had written on some girl's "wall." oh, but it was not just any girl, it was the girl that proclaimed that she "hearted" him this one time. ha ha oh boy. but yeah, he wanted to know where she's been hiding, to which she replied something about being in an ugly funk, and how he should take her out for drinks. snort. weird thing is that i'm not mad...just extremely disappointed. i have male friends, i talk to said male friends, my male friends are completely awesome. all the same, my male friends do not publicly proclaim that they ~*heart*~ me. i heart my boyfriend...no, fuck that. i LOVE my boyfriend. I DO. he's my favorite, and i'm pretty sure that he knows it. all the same, i may very well be done with these social networking sites from hell.

ahhh sensitivity. i'm pretty sure that i've gotten worse since the accident. it's almost like i have this "omg! i almost died, so be gentle with me everybody!" stigma going on. i miss my friends so much, i wish that i were at cmj week, i trust everyone which tends to bite me in the ass, i am full of love, aaand i'm having a bad case of the PMS ha ha ha.

now i'm listening to The 6ths and depeche mode while totally blissing out. factor in a hot bath and some wine and/or pot into this mix and i'm good to go. come over and watch "skins" with me tonight, ok?

love you, mean it.



um yes.

ew.

i just realized that as of october 13th i've been on myspace for five years. FIVE YEARS. that's a long time. i now have 2000 and some friends, half of which are bands, etsy shops, filmmakers , etc. it's all good. and the other half would be a melange of delightful human beings from all over the galaxy. yay! but yeah, did you know that i've saved like every single email i've received on the myspace? yep. looking and back and reading some of the old ones is really quite interesting, and very weird. ha ha perhaps i should publish said emails? perhaps not.

if you want to lurk and/or add me please feel free to do so. i trust that (all three) people who read this are not creeps. http://www.myspace.com/theonlyamaris

in other nostalgic news:

long before the internetz (1994, yo) i became mildly obsessed with a song by the electronic group orbital. today i went on youtube and found the video for the aforementioned song. this filled me with every kind of emotion possible. well, not really...like, i wasn't mad or anything ha ha. it was the kind of moment when your heart's in your throat, you're smiling, and tears are streaming down your face. a precious moment, obvi. anyway, here's what i'm talking about:



so nice.

btw, the cute girl in the blue shirt is totally alison goldfrapp, who also happens to be gracing this awesome track with her omg amazing pipes. holy shit. ha ha i'm like a walking compliment today :)

hurr.

because, much like elina on ANTM, my hair is like a small cat living on my head. i, however, was born this way and her's was, um, weaved that way. so yeah, it seems as though my hair is growing bigger, not longer. i guess i'm going to have to go in for a trim, but i'm wondering what to do with the the whole bang situation. i've cut them myself in the past, and sometimes i do an awesome job. other times i wind up looking like i went at it with a nail clipper. at this point the old bangs are constantly poking me in the eyes. i'm not sure if i should cut them, them or grow them out. what would you do?

here's my most favorite set of bangs ever. my bangs (and most, i assume) sometimes cause delightful forehead acne.



aaand here's me with a bit of a forehead. sometimes i'm not a fan of my forehead. god, that sounds so lame.



thoughts?

ha ha speaking of hair, the other day my boyfriend and i went to the art supply store to buy some fake doll hair for his halloween costume. that shit was sooo hard to find, and they only had soul glo curls available for purchase lol. also, my boyfriend made me pay for the bags of hair because he felt weird. i laughed.

whoa.

is M.I.A. preggers?

ETA: she totally is. good for her :) yeah, off topic but is it wrong that i kind of need the "mexico" bodysuit from her clothing line? exercise incentive haayyy.

mad twitter.

lol @ the cast of "Mad Men" following me on twitter.

a better amaris part ii.

well, as you know (from reading the post below, of course) i'm totally stoked on making healthy choices for my body. naturally i have to make sure that my mind is moderately safe and sound as well. i've been in two car accidents over the last twelve months, and they certainly have changed me. like i'm pretty much in love with life, and extremely aware of it's fragility. i am lucky.

all the same, my whole situation has left me a bit on the shell shocked end of the spectrum. i cry more than i used to, and that sucks ha ha ha. it's not that bad, i guess, but my confidence has definitely suffered. late last fall i used to drive to see my dude (he lives two hours away) on a regular basis, hang out with my friends a lot, go to work, smoke cigarettes, and go on mini shopping sprees (hellooo outlet malls). these days i have to take a 4-6 hour ($43.00 one way) bus to see my favorite boy, it feels as though my friends can't be bothered, i receive a tiny amount of money as a result of my disability (busted paw), quit smoking which is actually good apart from the weight gain, and can only really afford sale rack/and or thrift shop items. ha that last one aint too bad either, but you know.

so yeah, the aforementioned setbacks seem to cause occasional onslaughts of depression, helplessness, crying spells, pity parties, etc. but WHHHYYYY? i'm SO much better than all of these things, and it's my hands to improve upon them. what i really need is a fire under my ass. i talk about fires under my ass a lot these days. i want to be a better amaris, and self loathing does not a better amaris make :) i am going to work harder, become more organized (LOL), test the waters of my potential because i'm pretty sure that there is an ocean there. ha ha don't you love it when your blog posts are kind of all over the place? this feels good.

as i've said before...things are going to look up BECAUSE i am going to make them look up. for myself and for the people i love the most, because they mean the entire universe to me.

big plans, wish me luck!

i love you.